Welcome to our continued discussion on our Unglued Bible Study written by Lysa Terkeurst. In chapter 4, we learned about the different ways we come unglued: we either explode or stuff. Chapter 5 was all about Exploders! This week, we are focusing on Chapter 6 which is about Stuffers!
There two types of “stuffers”: stuffers who build barriers and stuffers who collect retaliation rocks.
Stuffers who build barriers keep the peace by avoiding confrontation and pretending everything is ok. I am a people pleaser who loves to help which means I am a champion STUFFER! It just seems easier to PRETEND that everything is ok instead of having a hard conversation. I don’t want to make things worse, so I try to convince myself that I can just let it go. That sounds good but the reality is….I don’t just “let it go”. I build a barrier or distance myself from the person who has hurt me.
Instead of barriers, Lysa says we need boundaries. Personal boundaries are defined as guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
I don’t know about y’all but barriers are easier. Boundaries require you to be clear about what you want. Boundaries also need to be communicated and then executed. (ooooh!)
The other type of stuffers are Stuffers who collect retaliation rocks. These Stuffers don’t mention their hurt feelings right away. Instead, they make mental notes of every wrong and then use those collected wrongs as “weapons in future disagreements”. Y’all know how this goes… you take and take and take until BOOOOOOOM! You let ’em have it for old and new! You give your offender a piece of your mind! This has happened more times than I would like to admit with my family.
It is ironic. We stuff in an effort to be peacemakers when in reality we are what Lysa calls “peacefakers”. Lysa says, “True peacekeeping is about properly processing the emotions before they get stuffed and ROT into something horribly toxic”.
So how do we “properly process”?
1. Gain some perspective!
2. Then ask ourselves:
- Am I trying to prove that I am right or IMPROVE the relationship? (Ouch)
- Do I have realistic expectations?(double ouch)
In other words we go back to a term from Chapter 4…. “soul integrity”.
“Soul Integrity is honesty that is godly. Soul Integrity brings balance to unglued situations. It makes us true peacemakers–people who aren’t stuffing or exploding but rather honestly demonstrating what they are experiencing in a godly manner.”
A passage in the book of James speaks about Soul Integrity:
James 3: 14-15, 17 (NIV) (I added the words in parenthesis)
14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast (explode) about it or deny the truth (stuff). 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic….But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
Are you trying to PROVE that you are right or are you trying to IMPROVE the relationship?
Do you have realistic expectations?
How can you display soul integrity in your day to day life?
Please have through chapter 6 read for our discussion this Saturday @ 8:30am!